Elle grew up in a military family and was no stranger to the militaristic mindset. However, she never thought she would end up joining the military herself. When she saw the armed forces as an opportunity to reach her dreams of becoming a news anchor in a competitive field, she took it. However, she could have never predicted how that choice would change her life forever.<\/p>\n
While in the military, Elle was sexually assaulted and then dismissed by the very institution that caused her harm. What she learned later was that this was no unique circumstance. In fact, Elle went on to participate in an award-winning documentary, The Invisible War<\/a><\/em>, which follows the story of women who have been raped in the military without retribution. Elle even filed a lawsuit against the US Department of Defense.<\/p>\n As one might expect, Elle\u2019s mental health took a turn for the worse. After years of unresolved trauma, Elle finally decided to come to the All Points North (APN) Lodge<\/a> and seek healing. While she wasn\u2019t expecting much at first, she left with some tools and meaningful relationships to last a lifetime. To learn more about Elle\u2019s story, check out the full APN podcast<\/a>, I Broke the Cycle of Military Trauma: Recovery x Elle<\/em>, or continue reading the article below.<\/p>\n Before discussing her time in the military, Elle opened up about her background, childhood upbringing, and unresolved family trauma.<\/p>\n \u201cI come from a very long line of alcoholic, PTSD<\/a> military officers,\u201d Elle said. \u201cThere wasn’t a word for it. It was just [a] don’t bother him kind-of-thing. [While we] now know [about] PTSD, [it wasn\u2019t] a formal diagnosis in the \u201880s. Three tours in Vietnam, they didn’t know what it was. Like, both of my grandpas [fought and we didn\u2019t] have a word for it other than, \u2018oh, it’s shell shock.\u2019<\/p>\n Elle went on to further talk about how coming from a military family influenced how she was raised.<\/p>\n \u201cI was raised militant\u2013not the Boulder lifestyle people think [of],\u201d Elle said. \u201cI think unresolved trauma on behalf of my parents was a perfect storm for growing up in chaos and an alcoholic environment \u2026 I really wish they would have done some trauma work, honestly, but that’s why I’m here. So, you know, my kids don’t have to go on [with this trauma]. [I was] just raised in a very [unloving] household. People raised on survival are different than people raised in love \u2026 so I didn’t really know I had childhood trauma or negative [core beliefs] until I got here. I just thought it was everyday life.\u201d<\/p>\n Like most people who are unaware that they\u2019re walking around with unresolved trauma from the past, Elle continued on with her life.<\/p>\n \u201cI went to college [and] everything was great,\u201d Elle said. \u201c[Then], 9\/11 happened and I was particularly affected by that. [It was] the first time I’m like, you know I think I could kill someone, which is weird because it takes a lot for people to get to that point and then takes more to talk about it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Elle went to college to pursue broadcast communications with a future aspiration of attending law school. However, she quickly realized how competitive getting into anchoring could be, so she started to look at the military as an option to both channel her emotions around 9\/11 while also getting ahead in her career.<\/p>\n \u201c[I thought] I would be drawn to that environment,\u201d Elle said. \u201cComing from chaos, you look for order. Also, it’s not a bad thing to join the military [if you\u2019re] still running off 9\/11. I mean, that’s what a lot of people did. A lot of people felt the way I did. A lot of people still do.\u201d<\/p>\n Elle began researching her options. She looked around at all the different branches and ended up joining [the] Marines in a moment of hot-headedness to prove a point.<\/p>\n \u201c[There was this Marine officer and] he’s like, \u2018So, do you want to join the Marines?\u2019 I was like, \u2018Absolutely not! You guys are freaking crazy!\u2019 And he’s like, \u2018Get out! You wouldn’t last a second in here!\u2019 And I was like, that’s it. Sign the papers. So kind of the hot head mentality didn’t pay off, but I did join the Marine Corps and [was] later selected as a public affairs officer of Marine Barracks Washington<\/a> \u2026 [at] a very high visibility job. It was stressful and it was there that I learned I maybe didn’t want to be an anchor.\u201d<\/p>\n Unfortunately, joining the military wouldn\u2019t lead to the career jump Elle was initially after. Not only that, but it would end up causing her a trauma that would take years to heal.<\/p>\n \u201cI was sexually assaulted in the military,\u201d Elle said. \u201cAt the time, I was told I [was] the only person that happened to and \u2018this is why boys, girls, and alcohol don’t mix.\u2019 I thoroughly believe that I did everything right in terms of [following protocol through] military police, NCIS investigations, [and] contacting your congressman. I sought help \u2026 [but the response was] like, \u2018we don’t have time for mental illness.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Even though the military wasn\u2019t showing up for Elle, she was still trying to show up for herself in a very difficult situation.<\/p>\n \u201cI got written a diagnosis with PTSD and major depressive disorder<\/a> when I came back and reported to my command,\u201d Elle said. \u201cMy commander ripped it up and said, \u2018well [that doctor\u2019s] not operational, clearly.\u2019 So that was the mentality in 2004 through 2007 when I was in [the military]. I think a lot of people suffered \u2026 but now we’re in a better place where you can ask for help.\u201d<\/p>\n Later, Elle was contacted by a PR team to ask about being part of a documentary about military survivors of rape.<\/p>\n \u201c[The] PR team had been in touch with the second female marine who they’d sent after me who had a similar situation [happen to her],\u201d Elle said. \u201cShe knew who I was because [she was] told, \u2018don’t be a lieutenant Helmer.\u2019 That was kind of the warning of don’t get assaulted or don’t put yourself in a bad position.\u201d<\/p>\n The documentary, The Invisible War<\/a><\/em>, went on to receive several awards<\/a>, including two Emmy Awards<\/a> and a Sundance Film Festival Award<\/a>.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn’t realize I was going to be one of the eight subjects of it, but I felt relieved when I found out that sexual assaults happened to other people,\u201d Elle said. \u201c[Before], I’d just been told, \u2018You screwed this up. This is your fault. We’re never sending another female here again ever\u2013it just doesn’t work.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Not only was Elle surprised to have been featured in the film, but she also ended up being more involved with the topic than she thought she would.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I’m a media officer and trained, I got to do a lot of speaking for it,\u201d Elle said. \u201cSo opening at universities, like Conference of World Affairs<\/a>, any sort of women’s organization\u2013those really picked up. I filed a federal lawsuit [with] the Department of Defense<\/a>. [That] was dismissed ultimately saying that rape is an occupational hazard<\/a>. I wasn’t aware that rape was incident to service<\/a> when I joined, as most people aren’t. So my lawsuit was focused more on the retaliation and the reprisal and that it’s even worse than the incident itself in a lot of [cases].\u201d<\/p>\n Continuing to show up in such a brave and bold way was admirable, but things still took a toll on Elle.<\/p>\n \u201cI know now I completely dissociated. I didn’t have a word for it because I was numb,\u201d Elle said. I did it very well. I’m fine to talk on live TV about what happened. I’m grateful. That\u2019s why I did it\u2013to help people, right? I mean I knew the lawsuit wasn’t going anywhere. There’s no money associated. It’s to raise awareness. Altruistically, I love that [it] gained momentum and [that people] knew that this happened and that it’s highly prevalent in the military. Maybe [others] thought twice or maybe a commander acted differently. I’m not sure. But yeah, speaking about it, I could totally numb out, talk to you like I’m talking to you now, have zero emotion. And that definitely caught up with me.\u201d<\/p>\n After years of trying to do all the things she knew to do to overcome this trauma, Elle found herself running out of speed.<\/p>\n \u201cThe slightest thing bothered me,\u201d Elle said. \u201cIt was just a vast explosion of all the emotions. If you’d ask me what’s wrong I would say, \u2018Oh, it’s the Zoloft. I’m getting off the Zoloft.\u2019 But if I really sat and thought about it, it was stuff from decades ago. I [was] like, why is this [still in your] head? Your mind is racing.\u201d<\/p>\n Years after her assault with a family now of her own, Elle struggled with making the decision to seek help at APN Lodge, a mental health, trauma, and addiction treatment facility.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn’t want to go,\u201d Elle said. \u201cI had a lot of guilt and shame about leaving my toddler child [and] three kids. But I also \u2026 remember[ed] a statement like, \u2018Everyone will die for their kids, but very few will actually live for their kids.\u2019 So I remember thinking, I have to do that. I mean, I’m very stubborn as a lot of veterans are. Like I refuse[d] to live like this for another 42 years. I [wouldn\u2019t] do it. My quality of life [was] awful. I [felt] sick. [I was] getting brain zaps. I lost 10 pounds \u2026 in three days.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally, Elle decided to take the leap.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was a lot of every emotion possible,\u201d Elle said. \u201cI didn’t feel excitement. I felt guilt, shame, nervousness, anticipation. I had no idea what to expect and then I think having no expectations was probably the best thing because what I found was greater than I could have even imagined.\u201d<\/p>\n This time, her militaristic mindset had worked out in her favor.<\/p>\n \u201cI think a lot of people \u2013 especially veterans \u2013 love the quote, \u2018the devil whispered, \u2018You cannot withstand the storm,\u2019 and the warrior said, \u2018I am the storm.\u2019\u2019 That was an embodiment [for me]\u2013like this is my last-ditch effort to save my life. So what does that entail? I don’t know. But I know what I’m doing isn’t working.\u201d<\/p>\n At first, Elle came to All Points North for medication management. What she got ended up being so much more than she bargained for.<\/p>\n \u201cThe antidepressant [I\u2019d] been on [wasn\u2019t] working [and] I had maxed out at 200 milligrams\u201d Elle said. \u201cSo okay, let’s get off the Zoloft and let’s try something else, [I thought]. What [my VA healthcare providers] didn’t say is you should taper. [Also], I’m still on a wait list for a counselor with that organization. There was no follow-through. The medication just came in the mail. I got really sick withdrawing cold turkey [and it] was probably the worst thing I could have done. But I’m grateful it happened because it did lead me [to APN]. I finally just reached a point where I [was] like, I know I need to take something, but [it\u2019s] not going to be this haphazard willy-nilly [thing]. You’re not going to send it to me in the mail and say, \u2018Figure it out. We’ll see you in three months.\u2019<\/em> So that’s what led me [to] the medication management aspect here.\u201d<\/p>\n The Lodge wasn\u2019t Elle\u2019s first attempt at seeking help. Because of her previous unsuccessful efforts, she was particularly relieved to learn how differently things are done at APN.<\/p>\n \u201cI got very lucky finding APN,\u201d Elle said. \u201cI feel like I almost found it too late because you shouldn’t be in crisis. I did have to call the suicide hotline with the VA. I did have to leave a message on there and they still haven’t called me back \u2026 I feel like you get in these patterns in life where you’re like, I’m checking the box. I’m going to counseling.<\/em> [But it] wasn’t doing anything\u2013wasn’t even scratching the surface \u2026 there wasn’t a challenge [like I] experience[d] at APN. There weren’t assignments, or digging deep, or root causes, which I appreciated so much.\u201d<\/p>\n Elle began to notice the difference between going through the motions and actually showing up to do the deep healing work it takes to be well.<\/p>\n \u201cI’d liken it to you’re going to the gym and you’re doing the elliptical every day,\u201d Elle said. \u201cBut then you’re asked to lift a lot of weights after two years and you can’t. You’re like, \u2018but I work out every day. I show up.\u2019 Sure, you can. But if you’re not focusing and you’re not really digging deep \u2026 then how do you know you’re making success if you’re just going in and doing the motions? Is it enough?\u201d<\/p>\n The APN environment was a pleasant change from the previous attempts at seeking help that Elle had made.<\/p>\n \u201cI came straight here and then I did check in to detox a day later,\u201d Elle said. \u201cIt was wonderful \u2026 if you go through health care \u2013 which a lot of veterans take that route \u2013 you’re sent a lot of medications that aren’t necessarily explained to you. So I had been taking six milligrams of Klonopin<\/a>. Fortunately, I didn’t get addicted to it, but the withdrawal that did happen here was significant and no one [previously] explained the effects of a benzo to me \u2026 [But] detox was not as scary as I thought it was going to be.\u201d<\/p>\n After her detox period, Elle had another experience that helped her settle into her new surroundings.<\/p>\n \u201cThe very first person I met walking in the building was another female veteran who had experienced sexual trauma,\u201d Elle said. \u201cSo that was relieving almost to know that somebody else had gone outside of the system and that we could talk about it without those feelings of like this \u2026 weight [is] on my shoulders.\u201d<\/p>\n Slowly, Elle began opening herself up to the possibility of a community she wasn\u2019t prepared for.<\/p>\n \u201cI had a great roommate experience,\u201d said Elle. \u201cI went to all my groups [and] felt a very strong sense of welcoming \u2026 [I initially] wanted to go to my room and be by myself, which we call isolation \u2026 but here it’s so encouraging to play a game. I remember meeting Brian, [an APN therapist], and he said, \u2018The best therapy you will ever get here is not in any single room or any single group. It’s going to be from a community.\u2019 And that is the truest statement I ever heard. I’m still in touch with about 35 members [and it was] the first time in my life I actually felt like I could have girlfriends too.\u201d<\/p>\n Part of the benefit of being in this type of community is having people to resource who also get how hard the regular difficulties of life are when you\u2019re dealing with trauma on top of it.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you’re spending time with people who have been through what you’re going through and we’re all struggling, we’re all on this journey \u2026 we know there’s no magic pill \u2026 it’s going to take a lot of work and it’s a commitment,\u201d Elle said.<\/p>\n The All Points North Lodge<\/a>, a holistic treatment center for trauma, mental health, and addiction in Edwards, Colorado offers many different plans and programs<\/a> to suit individual needs. One of those programs is the Veteran\u2019s Path<\/a>, which Elle spoke more about during her APN podcast interview.<\/p>\n \u201cI did the veteran tract with Brandon,\u201d Elle said. \u201cOur group was helpful in the sense that [it] felt really good and really safe because we’ve all been through it \u2026sharing and listening to people’s stories helped me a lot. [Even though] I actually never fully told my story in the veteran\u2019s group (I did in process group), listening to people talk about moral injury or being lost in the system [was] just a common denominator \u2026 We all would give a blank check to the government for our lives and it didn’t work out so well.\u201d<\/p>\n Within the Veteran\u2019s Path, Elle was able to find other people with similar stories to her. While she would never wish what happened to her on anyone, it was comforting to know she was not alone.<\/p>\n \u201cWhile I was here, there were eight female veterans and our stories were almost identical with regards to sexual trauma,\u201d Elle said. \u201cSo that felt good\u2013I mean, horrible. [But], if you can drum upon your worst moments but then find a way to laugh in it too\u2013that is bigger than suffering in silence.\u201d<\/p>\n While Elle spoke about how coming to treatment wasn\u2019t a \u201cmagic pill\u201d that could fix everything, she also highlighted the difference that APN has been able to make in her life.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was very helpful having a text chain or making myself call people that I didn’t even necessarily want to call and talk to,\u201d Elle said. \u201c[After leaving APN], the lifeline’s not totally cut. [Also], I probably would come back here [again] to focus on the smaller things in a smaller increment of time because it’s a triage [situation with my mental health]. So I left and I immediately started [hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT)]. I just decided the fight for my life still continues. I got a credit card. I’m calling it my \u2018mentee B credit card\u2019 \u2013 mentee B’s mental breakdown. But I put HBOT on it. I put ketamine. I put acupuncture. I put IV. I put personal trainer. I mean, the things that I did well here and the things that were part of the piece of the puzzle that led me to not feel like I was in a crisis anymore needed to be continued at home.\u201d<\/p>\n Still, Elle didn\u2019t stop there.<\/p>\n \u201cThen I feel like [it\u2019s important to] look at people who are doing something well and copy them, but do it your way,\u201d Elle said. \u201cSo I felt like the people who got out of APN who did it well, I would emulate. [I\u2019d ask them], \u2018What are you doing for this? Are you working out? What books are you reading? [Are you using] the Meetup<\/a> app? Like, are you meeting new people? Because I think most of us would agree our community before wasn’t necessarily the best environment for us.\u201d<\/p>\n Elle\u2019s life also changed in other unexpected ways.<\/p>\n \u201cA byproduct of me being here was stopping [drinking] \u2026 so filling the gap of loneliness and isolation [became key],\u201d Elle said. \u201cContinuing [my] APN journey \u2026 and pushing [myself] every day just to get one percent better [became a driving force].\u201d<\/p>\n Being a veteran herself, Elle carries a specific experience and trauma that may resonate with other members of the armed forces. In her podcast episode, she shared a few messages for other veterans like herself.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not alone,\u201d Elle said. \u201cYou’re not alone. Statistics<\/a> support what you’re going through \u2026 I personally believe in you. I’ve been part of an organization that’ll chew you up and spit you out [and] I still have a great revere and esteem for it, as we all do. But it’s hard when you get out\u2013it’s the loss of identity, it’s a loss of brotherhood\/sisterhood, of mission, of structure, so I fully understand.\u201d<\/p>\n Having gone through it herself, Elle urges other veterans to continue seeking support outside of the traditional VA healthcare system. It\u2019s also important to note that Elle\u2019s insurance benefits at the Lodge were still covered by her VA benefits.<\/p>\n \u201cThe way the system is designed is to put all of your health care into an organization that didn’t expect the bow wave of what’s happening now with mental health claims,\u201d Elle said. \u201cThe number one inbound claims for the VA are all military sexual trauma, PTSD, anxiety, [and] depression, so people are listening. Like, the culture is changing. But I would encourage you to take things into your own hands \u2026 you’re in charge of your own life. You’re the warrior. That was your storm. You’re stronger than it, and absolutely don’t quit \u2026 you can [always] get one percent better and that’s still better than you were.\u201d<\/p>\n As individuals willing to fight for their country, Elle poses a compelling question about what else a veteran might be willing to fight for.<\/p>\n \u201cMuch like \u2018mission accomplishment,\u2019 you do anything it takes, right? You’d call in the big guns. You’d call in naval fire. You get some snipers on it. Get some artillery. Why aren’t you doing that with your life? Your life is worth fighting for! You just have to get to that point and then call in every avenue in your arsenal that you can. I’m a veteran. I know [the benefits aren\u2019t] great. That’s why I’m putting [my self-care needs] on a credit card. If I can make payments on a car, why can’t I make payments on my life? \u2026 We’re willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, but are we willing to sacrifice vulnerability, [comfort], and doing the hard work?\u201d<\/p>\n Even though doing the hard work doesn\u2019t make all the pain go away and certainly doesn\u2019t make the healing journey stop, it does turn a life of pain and suffering into a life worth living.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form<\/a> or call us at 855.934.1178<\/a> today. You never know how good your life can get until you deal with the things that are hard.<\/p>\n Listen and watch Elle\u2019s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube<\/a>, Spotify<\/a>, and Apple Podcasts<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Written by Samantha Carter Elle grew up in a military family and was no stranger to the militaristic mindset. However, she never thought she would end up joining the military herself. When she saw the armed forces as an opportunity to reach her dreams of becoming a news anchor in a competitive field, she took […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":35679,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"rank_math_lock_modified_date":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[2,309,312,319,314],"tags":[84,403,66,229,193,260],"class_list":["post-38924","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resources","category-mental-health","category-pschiatry-psychology","category-relationships","category-social-club-alumni","tag-depression","tag-medication-management","tag-mental-health","tag-mental-health-treatment","tag-ptsd","tag-trauma"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38924","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38924"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38924\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35679"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38924"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38924"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38924"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Childhood Trauma<\/h2>\n
Military Mindset<\/h2>\n
Sexual Assault in the Military<\/h2>\n
Being Part of an Award-Winning Documentary, The Invisible War<\/em><\/h2>\n
The Warrior Said, \u201cI Am The Storm\u201d<\/h2>\n
Coming to APN<\/h2>\n
Settling Into Community<\/h2>\n
APN Veteran\u2019s Path<\/h2>\n
Life Post APN<\/h2>\n
Elle\u2019s Message to Veterans<\/h2>\n
More From Elle<\/h2>\n